I remember playing in my bedroom at home when my mother yelled up the stairs, "Kristin, get your coat on. We're going to visit Great Grandma Rusciano now," and I would freeze in my tracks in a state of panic. I hated visting Grandma Rusciano because to me she was a crazy nut. Although she never hurt me personally, I always overheard my mother's tales about the notorious biting, scratching and yelling at everyone. She could never remember anyone, not even her own children, giving her the image of a vicious monster in a little girls mind. My great grandmother suffered for years from Alzheimer's Disease, the disease that destroyed the affectionate and loving woman she once was.
As soon as we pulled up to the driveway of her house, I felt my body tighten with fear. My mother, sister and I stayed at Great Grandma Rusciano's house for about an hour -- an hour that felt like twenty. Huddled together, my sister and I stayed on the couch not saying a word, while my mother sat next to the unapproachable woman, attempting to have a conversation. Great Grandma Rusciano's stern, cold stare scared me so much that every time she turned my way, I quickly looked at my sister to avoid her eyes. When my mom finally announced we could leave, I hesitantly ran over to the terrifying lady, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and darted toward the front door for a speedy exit.
That scenario happened many times, years ago. Great Grandma Rusciano no longer sits in her living room. She died when I was 17. I hate myself for treating her like a stranger because she was my great-grandmother, regardless of her age and disease. Now living in regret, I ask why I did not value the precious amount of time I had with her.
My great grandmother was an extraordinary spiritual and intellectual woman. Born in 1898 in Naples, Italy, she had a long and laborious journey to Livingston Avenue, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Great Grandma Rusciano arrived in New York City in 1910, as a naive young girl of 12. During her elementary and high school education, she found more value in life than she did in her textbooks. After choosing to leave school at 16, she married my great-grandfather Michael Rusciano in a small church in the city. The two young lovers soon moved to New Brunswick, New Jersey, to pursue new opportunities.
My grandfather worked as a carpenter, while my grandmother stayed at home and raised their three children: Connie, Betty and Joseph, my grandfather. Great Grandma Rusciano did not stay home for long. She was an adventurous woman and needed to spread her wings. Determined to be an entrepreneurial success, she opened a small lingerie store on Livingston Avenue in downtown New Brunswick. The lingerie store was a local favorite for years. Last year, her daughter Betty moved the store to Point Pleasant, New Jersey, where my grandmothers spirit continues to live in the welcoming face of Betty.
I cannot blame myself for my unreasoned ignorance and disrespectful behavior against my Great Grandma Rusciano because I did not understand her disease and how it affected her. She was unfamiliar so I naturally shunned her. However, many elders of this society feel unconnected to our generation, not because of a disease like Alzheimer's, but because of the dramatic age difference. Many young adults today do not have great grandparents or even grandparents alive. And if grandparents are alive, many did not have a significant role in raising us. We say we love our older relatives but not for more than an hour at a time. The problem is the lack of relations between the old and young generations. No easy solution presents itself, but we, as young adults, need to make a conscious effort toward communicating and establishing relationships between the generations within our own family. The solution begins with respect and understanding for our elders. Our own world does differ from theirs via their daily activities, their concerns, their outlook on the future. However, we must recognize they do possess a wealth of information about life that we can use to learn and grow.
Once we start communicating better with them, we will learn more about our heritage, but even more importantly, we will begin to see the similiarities between the different generations. Though we may not see the importance now, we must share our lives with others. It is amazing how elders storytelling provides us lessons about life while offering us guidance and support.
Comparing Great Grandma Rusciano's life with mine, I had difficulty recognizing our similiarities, but I've realized that quite a few do exist. She went to school, I go to school. She had a first love, I had a first love. She is a woman, I am a woman. Great Grandma Rusciano and I have experienced some of the same things, but she experienced much more in her lifetime. I wish I realized sooner the tremendous opportunity for my personal growth I had in her wisdom. I have learned a great deal about my great-grandmother since her death. Though she never received any diplomas or doctorates, her intelligence was cultivated through her experiences. As a young girl in a new country and as small business owner, she learned the lessons of self-reliance, discipline and dedication. She believed in herself and she passed this confidence to her children. She always shared, "I love you more than anything, but more important you must love yourself."
I am ashamed of the way I treated my Great Grandmother Rusciano.
I only hope that when I am older, my own grandchildren treat me with the love and respect that my great-grandmother deserved.
Copyright 1997 Kristin Vitanza. All Rights Reserved.