It was as if Carol Evangelisto, a relationship counselor, tossed me a little ball from three feet away. Sounds simple enough to just catch it and throw it back, but I could not. She pitched her first question. "What was the reason for your last argument with your girlfriend? " I sat muttering, uhh..uhh..I don't know. The little ball had just slipped through my hands and bobbled to the floor. But why? I'm a pretty smart guy with an ounce or two of athletic ability; I should have caught that question. She told me that it's not my fault that I couldn't remember. Most often the reason why an individual starts to argue isn't as important as the issues that are neglected inside the relationship.

Carol appeared to pick that little ball up off the floor and twist it inside the light from a lamp. She explained that a relationship is nothing to ignore and that both partners must "work into developing it." That means the good-looking girl or guy you see requires a great amount of toil and attention if a solid bond is ever to form itself.

I understood the notion of working on a relationship. After all I wasn't having serious problems with my girlfriend, I was looking for some constructive help. However, statistics do not support that Americans work on their social or romantic relationships. Carol agreed full heartedly that if more partners solicited relationship counseling, fewer incidences of abuse and divorce would occur. Now I'm not abusive or getting married anytime soon, but I needed professional guidance anyway.

I knew what I wanted in a relationship, but I also knew that my present one was not an everlasting walk along the beach at sunset. It had problems that smothered the fun and casualness that I longed for. What I didn't know was why that little ball was so hard to catch.

Carol relaxes my frustration by saying, "understanding relationships is difficult because we are never taught about them." She believes that two individuals make up this bond for a purpose of independents. This is not to say that a relationship can't work out, but that we, as individuals, cause the problems and therefore must learn about each other in order to come up with solutions to our misery.

Carol and I kept tossing that little ball for about an hour. Of course she plays better than me but like most of her clients at The College of New Jersey, I got better at catching those simple questions. We discussed the reason why I was speaking to a counselor. I told her my partner and I have tried, with what we know, to settle differences that were making us distant, that friends and family offered no plausible advice because, I guess, they knew as much as we did about the intricacies of a relationship. I went on to say, as honestly as possible, that I'm not sure I want to go on in this relationship but I know that I once loved her and hoped counseling would help.

Carol had heard it a hundred times before. Many of her clients that are at a serious crossroad in their relationship and are willing to try do not know how.

She thought it was practical to explain a basic yet true example of how relationships become what they are:

• An average romantic relationship begins with a period, that for most anything and everything goes to win that partner. This period, which lasts differently for everyone, is referred to as "the courtship." As open and willing couples tend to tolerate each other more the closer they become to each other in this courtship phase. However, something changes just as couples remember each other's phone number; the boundaries they install tend to loosen their ever tight embraces.

• Boundaries are needed to develop a bond that will last. They determine the amount of detail that is to be shared and trusted. The boundaries usually go up automatically without notice on either part. They are simple reactions to the next step in a relationship. (An example of this would be like saying, "I don't want to talk about this now.") That step is intimacy and that term does not just delineate sex, but all facets of psychological involvement, such as emotions, spirituality, etc.

• Differences arise from these boundaries that ultimately determine the intimacy of a relationship and each need to be addressed. The couple can try to compromise and accept those differences, but when that fails the reason may be more difficult to get at.

• An issue may be buried inside those differences. Issues that either were never disclosed or neglected by partners can ruin the strongest of attractions if they are not dealt with properly. (One suggestion that can help with such issues is that opposites usually don't last. They may be attractive but usually contain more work that either partner is willing to clock in for.)

I sat wondering if a relationship could be so universal and predictable. If it is like Carol pointed out. Then solving the problems that all of us will eventually face should be an important reality. Hearing the basic ingredients of a relationship listed prompted me to think of how one would start to solve the relationship dilemma -- with their sanity intact.

It would seem, addressing the problems inside a relationship properly means both partners must be willing to participate in some form of help. That help might depend on the severity of your situation, whether you have tried handling it already or have only just begun to think about the problem in your relationship. The help tends to be choosing a third party intervention, since the partners of the relationship have exhausted their resources of relationship expertise. That intervention can range from an opinionated friend, a worried mother, a priest, a self-help book, a support group or the most stigmatized of all -- the mental health professional.

For Carol any kind of help is a good start in redirecting a relationship, as long as both partners make equal and honest attempts. She believes couples should (just to mentions few) learn the fundamentals of a relationship model, maintain solid communication and note the struggles between each. These suggestions are a start, but definitely not an end for any couple. Perhaps the most arduous point to all this is the effort that it took to conjure the courage in order to ask him or her on a date.

The rewards of such work won't likely be seen directly for a long time. But there is hope in trying, just as there was hope for you when you asked your partner out.

She found my individual attempt a wise decision, but wanted to see my partner at the next visit. My start was one that would provide definite results whether good or bad. Carol smiled at my philosophy and said, "That's important to realize, the good or bad part. Not every relationship can be saved but the individuals will be better off."

It seemed to me the lessons I learned at my first appointment needed immediate re-application. Thankfully I found Bonnie North, also a relationship counselor at The College of New Jersey, readily available. So we went at playing a game of catch. She was quite taken at my underhand technique. Finding it almost mesmerizing in form, she applauded my honesty and efforts.

Bonnie passed on to me that since complex, unpredictable relationships tend to be handled more efficiently by counseling sessions only, instead of other venues. She finds the advice and emotions touched upon on were "overwhelming" for couples, and cannot stress enough the difficulty in achieving results without several counseling sessions.

Bonnie attacks the relationship through the individual's personality rather than the existing structure. Starting with the parents and upbringing of the individual then linking that to behaviors that emerge as issues in the present relationship. Bonnie finds that we, as individuals, resemble our families and when our relationship doesn't fulfill each other's needs, the reason may be imbedded deeper than one would imagine. Since the other partner came from a different family, he or she brings an encoded file cabinet of expectations. The expectations are sometimes understood by one partner and therefore expressed to the other. However, when the expectation is not understood or even worse, not expressed, then Bonnie believes problems occur. An example of such is a man coming home from work requiring a kiss, a sign of immediate affection. Trite to the woman, but at the same time not understandable. Instead she would rather show her affection later when they can both relax. The problem is that he expects while she doesn't know The barriers between partners cause such nuisances to boil into huge issues.

Bonnie can't imagine that the complexities of a relationship, especially those that are near extinction, can be addressed properly without months of professional counseling. She finds that "couples need a great deal of time to figure out the causes of their problems and then even more time to learn appropriate ways of living with each other's differences." She explains further that "emotions are too intense between couples due to their family origins." The intensity arises because changing means an almost abandonment of values; even an abandonment of family. The time or information that is needed to handle this intensity and relationship dilemma can never fairly represent itself with friends, family, religion or self-help books. More advanced steps must be taken.

There was a simple and convenient tool that Carol gave me to practice. She threw me a fast ball and suggested that a more basic start to improving the relationship is simply taking a look at the every day language used in your conversations. She finds that if one partner makes an effort to change every "you" or "we" into "I" less conflict would arise, since it sounds more like honest feelings than blame. This sounded feasible to me, so I shared it with my partner and we had a productive conversation about my independence and her dependence. It was the first time I heard her admit the difference and frankly it was freeing to know we are understanding more about our relationship or the relationship we want.

Don't get discouraged before you read how simple this all can be.

Despite the threats of "several sessions" and lengthy homework, relationship mastery is not out of reach. Think of a relationship as a hobby and remember that it isn't something you have in order to feel good. It is simply a complement in your life, one that can enhance it if taken care of properly.

As if you kept it with informative magazine articles, so must you tune your skills in a relationship. Yes, that means work and concrete exercises to perform with your partner when you are both open-minded and serious.

Remember you are individuals first and the rules that a counselor sets down must be respected; forget about your comedic friends and learn the right tools to happiness. It is also good to remember that it's never too late to start a hobby in life. Even older adults can appreciate the benefits of a modern-day functioning relationship. But the sooner one starts and the sooner one learns to play catch (like my girlfriend and I have), the longer the rewards can be appreciated.

Remember to:

• See reality not fantasy in your partners

• Do not overwhelm yourself with past problems

• Do not over dramatize

• Do not be right all the time

• See the argument from the others perspective

• Love is earned. Don't expect it unconditionally

• Keep a sense of humor.