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Approximately two weeks after a break-up, I received a phone bill in the mail for calls I had made to the boy I had been seeing. Lucky for me, the bills added up to about $50. With Christmas presents to buy and a little resentment in my heart, I was less than pleased to fork over this kind of money for an activity I had enjoyed a month earlier. I toyed with the idea of sending the bill to him as a thank you for all the good times but decided in the end it just wasn’t worth it. It’s not really appropriate after deciding to remain friends. It kind of hurts the spirit of friendship.

But the experience did get me thinking about money and how it affects relationships. I’ve watched more than enough Dr. Phil to tell you that money may not be the root of all evil, but it can do a number on a marriage. Couples argue over too much, too little, who will pay and thousands more problems that money has a tendency to bring up. With everything that’s spent on dates, presents, cards, gas, phone calls and love letter stamps, it’s easy to spend a ridiculous amount of money in a relationship. A broken heart hurts, but being broke is just a kick in the pants. That is why I propose a lawsuit.

If a woman can sue McDonald’s for putting a hot cup of coffee, that she bought, into her lap while driving and, surprisingly enough, getting burned by it, any person can sue any other person for a broken heart. With the amount of insane lawsuits being brought to trial and even more shockingly, being won, a dumper could easily be sued by a “dumpee” for damages and pain and suffering.

Right from the beginning there is the issue of how much money has been spent in the relationship. This can be a little tricky for girls who have had “traditional” boyfriends that pay for every movie ticket, dinner and Blockbuster rental, but it’s a gold mine for guys. Add it all up, boys. A couple hundred or a couple thousand dollars didn’t seem like a big price to pay when Ms. Right was smiling at you with appreciation, but now that she’s got someone else to pay for her meals, it’s easy to get thinking about all the things you could’ve bought instead of appetizers at T.G.I. Friday’s.

Beyond monetary damages, there is the case of the broken heart. Just like the woman who brought Disney to court because her grandson saw Mickey without his head on, there is no price you can put on innocence and pain. Unless it’s high enough. Beyond the loss of love, which can bring the settlement way up, there is money spent on phone calls to far away friends for advice, endless pints of Ben and Jerry’s and consoling shopping trips. I became an “Angel,” the proud holder of a Victoria’s Secret credit card, after the end of a relationship. With the right lawyer, that will be paid in full each month by my ex.

For the poor heartbroken person just trying to earn a few dollars off of a personal tragedy, there is the stipulation in which you get to keep the gifts you have earned in the relationship. Many of my friends have received gifts of Tiffany’s jewelry from boyfriends and are wary about wearing the gifts after they were dumped. “Dumpees” need to remember that they earned these gifts and must wear them proudly to show the other person that, “I don’t need you, and I’m wearing hundreds of your dollars in sterling silver on my wrists, fingers and neck!” Wearing them to court helps, too.

It might take some time before lawyers will be willing to take on these types of cases. Perhaps some of the attorneys who advertise on television might like to represent the broken hearted in court or one of those “ambulance chaser” types of lawyers. After a few cases, celebrities will want to add this type of suit to their many, many lawsuits and Johnny Cochran can represent Justin Timberlake the next time Britney Spears cheats on him. (I have no evidence of this, but I believe that Johnny could find some with a few dollars of *NSync’s money.)

With all of the crazy lawsuits out there, I’m sure that my idea will fit in perfectly.

According to a group of obese people, McDonald’s stopped them on the street and force-fed them Big Macs, causing them to gain tons of weight. If a lawyer can win a fat man money for that, I can help thousands, even millions, of heartbroken (poor) folk to win back a little of their dignity. Revenge is sweet, my friends, but money is even sweeter. Money can’t buy love, but it can start to mend a broken heart.