| Lifestyles | |
| "Nice" Doesn't Have to Mean Neglected (page 1 2 3 4 5) |
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| By
Patrick Dresh Lifestyles Editor |
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You know the drill; a woman is hurt, hurt bad, by some guy, yet no matter who else comes along she just seems to still have a strong attachment to the guy who caused her pain. She may even break off a seemingly successful new relationship to give this guy another chance. The ‘million-dollar-is-that-your-final-answer’ question is: why? Why in the world would someone want to basically keep throwing themselves back into a bad situation? One reason for returning to past heartbreakers deals again with the idea of insecurity. Everyone, no matter how sure of themselves they may claim to be, needs at some point to receive some piece of validation. If someone that a person cared about a long time ago suddenly seems interested in them again, it makes a person feel like, “Oh, after all this they still are interested in me.” It gives people a little ego boost that an old flame has finally ‘come to their senses.’ “It’s less of an effort to go back to how things were, than to start something new,” remarks Susan K. Perry, “no one wants to take the time to start a new relationship when an old one resurfaces…even if it had its bad moments, at least a person knows how it’s going to be.” Basically, in view of how easy it is to get hurt in a relationship, people sometimes would rather deal with the hurt they have already had, than take a chance, no matter how good the prospects are, on getting hurt by someone new. Another reason why people choose who they do deals with childhood programming. It is especially important when looking at why people love those who hurt them, to see what a person learned about love when they were young. “If you came to believe that people who are supposed to love you will hurt you, or that you don't deserve better,” comments Tina B. Tessina, “then you won’t want to change your [relationship] patterns.” If you’ve always been around one type of person, dealt with one type of relationship, no matter how horrible it was, you are going to be more willing, more comfortable returning to that situation than taking a chance at something new. Even if the new relationship has absolutely no negative aspects, it is not what you are used to and therefore it just isn’t comfortable. In order to learn from this set of information we first have to establish that women are not the only ones who constantly run back to those who hurt them. No matter how much we rant and rave about why woman would rather be with someone who causes them pain, we do the same exact thing. No matter what a woman does, if we are attracted to her in some way, we nice guys will always give her a second chance. This however, is not productive. The best way to avoid repeat offenders is to ditch is the idea of simply “responding and reacting,” for as Tina B. Tessina points out, if we continue like this “instead of thinking analytically…[we] won’t learn from our experiences.” Tessina advises us to look at life as “a learning opportunity” in which we need to look at “what behaviors underlie the mistakes that we make.” To accomplish this, however, you really need to sit down and think about what went wrong, or why someone didn’t give you a chance, and then think how your actions could have attributed to this. An easy way to do this is to use a technique highlighted by relationship expert and author, Sherry Amatenstein, in her various works and on her website www.luvlessons.com. The technique is referred to as doing a “Romantic Resume.” Instead of simply ‘leap frogging’ from relationship (or relationship attempt) to relationship, make a list of all the major ones and look for similarities. Write down the good points, the bad points, what worked and what didn’t. This requires a lot of honesty, for if you simply write down things like “she was a nut”, you’re not going to learn anything. Once you get all this written down, make an effort in your next attempt to search out certain desirable traits, and try really hard to steer clear of the traits that did nothing but cause trouble. |
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Patrick
Dresh, a junior journalism/professional writing major, is also the lifestyles section editor for
the current edition of unbound. Dresh's professional writing interests include young-adult psychology,
relationship psychology, and current Type 1 diabetes research. His other interests include short story
writing, illustration, and live-theatre performance. |
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