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My cell phone bill grew bigger. So did my heart.

Keg stands, frat parties, softball games, homecoming, tailgating, waitressing and the real world.

My alarm went off one morning and I realized that I have only three classes left to take before graduation. After that no more late night studies. No ice cream runs. No literature books. No more professors.

I made wish after wish, tossed penny after penny, and crossed more fingers in my 22 years of life and now, where do I go? I knew graduating from high school that I would someday be something, but I never thought I still wouldn’t know when I graduated from college.

I don’t want to be a part of the real world. I want to go back to field day. I want to make snow angels and put my teeth under my pillow, and say my prayers before I go to sleep. I don’t want to wake up.

So, I let my alarm go off for a long time. I thought about Mr. Saxton, my high school teacher. And I thought about field hockey games, hopscotch, Slurpee runs, basketball coaches, middle school dances and locker combinations. And I cried.

I cried because I'm scared of everything I ever was, everything I am, and everything I ever will be. I cried because I don’t have a job when I get out of school. I don’t even know what I want to do when I get out.

I cried because my sister is married with a baby at 25, and I'm 22 and still weeding out boys. I cried because I have an illness and I don’t know how to control it, and I cried because I long to be who I am.

And when I finished wiping the last tear on my blanket, I reached over, shut my alarm off, smiled and got out of bed.

I am who I am.

I'm not 10 anymore, but I do act like it sometimes. A lot of times. I don’t have a set future. When I graduate, I could still be here, in front of my computer. I don’t know where life will take me, and I am not sure what wrong paths I will choose. I don’t know when I am going to meet the man I will marry. I don’t know how many kids I will have.

So I smile. I smile because I have never been so happy. I don’t think I've ever been confident in my fears. And I smile because I am confident in not being confident, but I'm happy.

That’s enough.

I know that there are plenty of heads-up pennies, first place ribbons, wishing wells, and shooting stars I can claim as mine. Finding them is all part of the game and today I could win.

I pull on my sneakers; tie them tight, and head for class.

It’s a long walk.