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A Deathly Fear (page 1 2 3 4 5 6)

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By Ellen O’Hara
Staff Writer
Lying there stiff and motionless, as if I was the one in the coffin, I would cry uncontrollably, letting the tears run down to my ears, and then fall on the pillow in puddles. I had to stifle my sniffles and whimpers so no one would hear me. I would just stare straight up at the ceiling, darkness enveloping me, the gray plaster above me caving in and suffocating me. Fear engulfed my body and invaded my every thought. I was 12 years old, but it was not boogiemen, ghosts behind my door or monsters in my closet that were making me cry. It was not a fear of the dark that made me lie awake night after night in tears. It was a frightening thought that would creep in and attack me every night. It was a thought that not many 12-year- olds bother themselves with, but I could not escape it, especially in those last few years. It was the thought of death that ran ice cold through my veins and haunted me on dark quiet nights, that scared away sleep.

I can't remember how long I suffered from this paralyzing fear, but I do remember many nights where I would

“It was my young age and the succession of close relatives passing that wreaked havoc on my emotions and my sense of security."

be unable to control my thoughts. They ran wild with images of losing my parents, brother or other family members that sent me into a panic, and usually into hysterics, while I lied alone, scared in my bed. Only now do I realize it was not a crazy, morbid imagination that tortured me, but that it was my young mind's way of trying to cope with a slew of deaths in my family one after another. It was my young age and the succession of close relatives passing that wreaked havoc on my emotions and my sense of security. I will not blame my parents for lack of consolation, for they were trying to get through their own grief. They comforted me as much as they could, and were always there for me. I will not label them as a contribution to my reaction. Death is a very difficult concept for young people to comprehend, and more than one death is even more of a struggle to cope with. Not many people truly understand the psychological destruction that occurs in children in these situations.

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Ellen O'Hara is a senior at The College of New Jersey majoring in communication with a minor in English. After graduating in May 2003, she hopes to begin a career in television, radio or film production.
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