That being said, I'm somewhat of a TV junkie. I'm not simply bashing a medium that does not appeal to me. In terms of Prime Time TV, I regularly watch “The Simpsons,” “CSI,” “Smallville,” “Andy Richter Controls the Universe,” “Survivor,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “South Park” and “The Sopranos.” Yes, I watch “Survivor.” I enjoy the television medium a great deal, even the trashy stuff (as if my “Survivor” watching didn't already tell you that). However, I feel that as a whole, television is sliding rapidly down the entertainment ladder and unless we do something about it soon, it might be too late. But before we can solve these problems, we must first identify them.

Catchy Theme Songs and Musical Guest Mayhem

What made our favorite shows our favorite shows? To illustrate my points I’m going to use my favorite sitcom of all time, “Happy Days,” as the litmus paper for current television. From the first second of that show, it got you hooked. “Sunday, Monday, Happy Days!” That memorable theme song started, along with the spinning 45s featuring the faces of the stars (with the loveable father figure, Tom Bosley, always coming last) and lets you know it is no longer 2003, but 1957 and you’re in for some hijinks! A good theme song does NOT begin and end with “Happy Days,” nor does it end with the sitcom. “Perfect Strangers,” “MacGyver,” “The Cosby Show,” “Growing Pains,” “Quantum Leap,” “Cheers,” “The Simpsons” and, my personal favorite, “Family Ties” (“sha la la la!”) all had great, hummable theme songs. What about today’s shows? Let’s look at a few examples: “Everybody Loves Raymond” doesn’t even have a theme song, The theme song to “Frasier” is sung by Kelsey Grammar, and a whole host of shows use pre-existing pop songs as their theme (and before someone starts to complain, I know “Happy Days” originally used “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley and the Comets). What has happened to theme songs sung by nobodies, that leave us singing we want Charles in charge of us?

Sticking with the music topic, TV shows nowadays have entirely too many musical guests. I’m not talking about “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” or “Saturday Night Live,” but I mean regular prime time television shows. Just tonight, while watching “CSI,” the Wallflowers had a cameo playing in a casino. Last I checked, minus the Hard Rock Hotel, there usually isn’t a band playing next to a craps table. Ditto goes for Remy Zero, an up and coming rock band, playing the “Spring Formal” on “Smallville.” I have four problems with their cameo appearance. One, they performed the theme song of the show at a dance – now I’m no dance floor maniac, but that’s not exactly a song that would get me, or anyone with ears, legs or a pulse, to cut a rug. Two, if that is Remy Zero in the “TV world,” then why are they playing at Smallville High? Three, if it’s NOT Remy Zero, then how does Chloe know their songs enough to have one be her favorite? And four, is it 1976? Since when do bands play at dances?

However, this is not the most ridiculous musical appearance of all time on a prime time show. That atrocity, as were many other debacles of 1990s television, was committed on “Beverly Hills, 90210” when the Flaming Lips appeared playing their solitary hit, “She Don’t Use Jelly.” Now, the Flaming Lips are an amazing band, who has always pushed the envelope, whether by releasing an entire album where all the songs are the same length (the album – “In a Priest Driven Ambulance,” the time: 3:26) or by releasing a four CD boxed set where all the CDs must be played at the same time (“Zaireeka”). Even their hit was a strange one – including talk of blowing noses, magazines, Vaseline and tangerines.

And somehow, Aaron Spelling and the brain trust at Fox, decided that this was the band they needed to have on the show. Needless to say, the fit was less than perfect. And most people who saw the show, one could only imagine, would either be very confused, or very amused at the bizarre imagery. However, one man’s life was changed forever at that unnatural combination. That man is Ian Ziering: “You know, I’ve never been a big fan of alternative music, but these guys rocked the house!” –Steve Sanders (Ziering), “Beverly Hills 90210.”

Guest Stars, Classic Sidekicks and the Family Unit

Perhaps even more atrocious is the overuse of non-musical guest stars on television. There is no truer sign of a group of writers running out of ideas than the cramming in of a bunch of high profile celebrity guest stars. When the starring and supporting characters have run all possible scenarios into the ground, long lost parents, brothers, significant others and co-workers are brought in to spice up a show. Need proof? Jon Bon Jovi and Robert Downy Jr. on “Ally McBeal,” to six, count them, SIX guest stars on “Friends” so far this season. Sure, Pinky Tuscadero would guest on “Happy Days” for a few weeks, but for the most part, older shows didn’t feature weekly guest stars. Why has the medium succumbed to having to feature so many characters besides the ones the shows are based around? I feel that it is because the characters on most modern TV shows simply aren’t up to snuff with the average sitcom character from the 1970s or 1980s. Not only that, but staple characters have been completely eliminated from the canon of television.

What ever happened to the wacky neighbor? In the 80s, you couldn’t throw a stone without hitting some sort of zany sidekick who would drop in unannounced and wreak havoc on the plans of the protagonist. Alex Keaton had Skippy, Charles had Buddy Lembeck, Lavern and Shirley had Lenny and Squiggy, Mary Tyler Moore had Rhoda, Mike Seaver had the hilariously titled “Boner” and of course, Richie Cunningham had, “Ehhhh,” The Fonz. These characters served as the monkey wrench that could be thrown into the plot of any episode and wreak havoc. They would ruin dates, inadvertently reveal plans to the parents or somehow lock themselves in the family’s bathroom. Why are there no “Skippys” today?

The answer is actually simpler than you might think. See, the “Skippys” would always be an unofficial member of the family. Shows today are no longer based on the family; therefore, you can’t really bring in folks to said family. Look at the current Nick at Nite TV lineup, minus some chronically unfunny shows (like “Coach”) and some abnormal shows for their time (“Cheers” and “Three’s Company”), every show is based around a family. “Family Ties,” “The Cosby Show,” “All in the Family,” “Charles in Charge,” “The Brady Bunch,” and “Happy Days” all have their roots in family. Even shows that claim to be based around a family nowadays are really based around a couple and the kids are a mere afterthought (see “Everybody Loves Raymond”). Or, a makeshift family is assembled where they act as a family even though they are not all connected by blood (see “Friends”). Not that these ideas are bad, or even new (“The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “Cheers” essentially are past version of these shows), but they lack that family structure that made TV the “family medium.”

The family! This is where the problem lies! No longer are we entertained by the silly looks of Rudy Huxtable when her father catches her in a lie. No longer are we rooting for Mike Seaver to sneak out of his bedroom window, only to have his mother catch him with one foot still in the house. No longer do we get that warm “aww” feeling seeing a family hug as the end credits roll. This was what television was based on, and we have forsaken it.

The Birth of “Cop Doctors” and “Hospital Police”

What is television based on now? Cops and doctors. “Law and Order” has THREE DIFFERENT shows on in prime time. The hospital drama is now a staple of television. Hospitals are even becoming settings for sitcoms, like “Scrubs.” A friend and I have an idea where if we create two shows, “Cop Doctors” and “Hospital Police,” then we will be the wealthiest men in America, for we will have bridged the gap between the two biggest winners in current television. Maybe that’s why I like “CSI” so much; it kind of does that.

Is it necessarily bad that these shows are popular? Of course not. However, hour-long dramas and sitcoms CAN coexist, where both forms are at their peak, and I feel that sitcoms have been in a decline for years. The one show on television that still maintains a sitcom feel is “The Simpsons,” an animated show. They have all the elements: the zany neighbors and sidekicks, the theme song, the family emphasis, its all there. And it has been on TV for over ten years now. So, it’s not as though the genre is passé. “The Simpsons” proves that it still works.

Give me a Cosby sweater! Give me a crazy foreign cousin who comes to live with his American relative! Give me the “ooooooooh” noise when people kiss! Give me a laugh track so outdated you can hear the bellbottoms on people! Give me back my television!